Not too many years ago, I was typing on a portable typewriter from Sears while wiggling my toes into shag carpet.

Cool people back in those days covered their hardwood floors with carpet, wall to wall. Our Mediterranean-style TV set even had a built-in record player. Then along came eight-track, children, K-Cars, second wife, Honda Accords and hardwood floors.

Computers, CDs, better computers, car phones and other annoyances such as Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears followed Wife No. 3. That brings me up to MP3s, iPods, Tivos, Wi-Fi and cell phones (that do everything but take out the garbage) and Jude Law’s nanny. (Remind me not to buy her book.)

So I didn’t give a rat’s when I learned that my new cell phone was not “Blue Tooth” compatible. Cool beans. I’ve got enough problems already. I sure as hell don’t need my cell phone to have blue teeth. That’s why I’m staying away from that little Blackberry gadget, too. I’m no dummy. Blackberries cause blue teeth.

So put that in your iPod Nano and smoke it, right along with the thousand songs it claims to hold. And, by the way, just know that I wouldn’t be caught dead with an iPod Nano. Nor a cell phone that downloads music, either (unless it holds only Sinatra).

These music cell phones can be dangerous, especially the one that came on during a funeral last week in Oklahoma. And I’ll just bet you it wasn’t playing “Amazing Grace,” either. (Sure hope it wasn’t playing “Your Cheatin’ Heart.”) But at least the poor guy can “Rest in Peace” now.

Well, not necessarily. Because a new video invention could be coming soon to a tombstone near you.

I’m dead serious.

A dude named Sergio Aguirre has invented what he calls Vidstone. Vidstones are solar-powered video panels that are embedded in tombstones. These “Serenity Panels” play a five-minute to seven-minute multimedia video from the deceased’s life.

The video begins when the solar panels are slipped open. (I see dead people.)

Then visitors can slip on standard headphone jacks to listen to the audio. (I hear dead people.)

Vidstones don’t come with, uh, a lifetime guarantee. But you can get an extended warranty (10 years) for $200. The little 7-inch LCD can take some abuse, though. It’s protected with shatterproof glass. Since competition for video headstones isn’t exactly stiff, Aguirre is demanding $1,500 for his gadgets.

I really hope Vidstones don’t vault to the top of cemetery innovations. But I won’t be surprised if they do. It was only a matter of time before technology began targeting dead people.

What a plot! Albert Einstein was right when he said, “It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.”

So children, don’t exceed my humanity by imbedding a Vidstone in my tombstone. But if you insist on doing it anyway, please do it right.

Please show me in my best light. Avoid trying to be cute by showing quick clips of me picking my nose or scratching myself. If you must include this kind of slapstick humor, please don’t buy the extended warranty. Ten years is too long for people to watch me pick my nose and scratch myself.

But, most important of all, make sure that my tombstone comes HD-Ready.