The following column originally appeared in The Pilot on May 20.

Nobody ever accused golf fans of being the brightest people in the world. OK, so maybe golf fans have more diplomas on the wall and drive more Buicks than, say, NASCAR fans. But who’s really the smartest?

Race fans have it made. You’d never catch those guys trying to run around the track to keep up with Bill Elliott (Oops, bad example. You might be able to keep up with Elliott these days) or Jeff Gordon.

Race fans have seats, actual places where they can sit and wait for their favorite driver to come whizzing past, not just once in five hours, but maybe 400 times in one afternoon.

Race fans can bring their own refreshments. What do you think the Blue Blazers of the USGA or the Green Jackets of Augusta National would do if they saw two guys in cut-off jeans and tee-shirts lugging a Styrofoam cooler full of Bud Light up the 15th fairway? Have a stroke, maybe?

Golf fans just may be the dumbest critters in the woods. You have to believe that a guy who will get up at 6 a.m. and get to the course at 7 to plant his rear end in a select spot around the 18th green where no golfer will set foot before noon is about one Top-Flite short of a full sleeve.

But maybe they aren’t really dumb. Maybe they just love the game so much that they’re willing to look dumb in order to be a part of something like a U.S. Open or a Masters.

In the interest of science and future lobotomy surgery, I interviewed a few of the patrons who will be attending the U.S. Open at Pinehurst June 14-20. (Yeah, I know it’s only a four-day event, but real golf fans like to come out to the course on Monday and watch the pros play practice rounds. Hey, one of those guys may even nod in your direction on Tuesday or Wednesday.)

Anyway, following are a few samples of the interviews.

Carlyle from Carthage:

Carlyle, congratulations on being fortunate enough to get tickets to the Open. Were you one of the lottery winners?

"Yes I was. I sent in 15 orders under different names and I just got lucky."

Well, Carlyle, why is it so important to you to be at Pinehurst for the Open?

"To tell you the truth, the wife’s got this new sun dress ..."

Sandy from Sanford:

Hi, Sandy. How do you plan to watch the Open?

"From as far away as possible. I hate golf, but all my buddies were dying for tickets. I was the only one to get them and, boy, are they eating their hearts out."

Andy from Aberdeen:

So, Andrew, who is your favorite golfer?

"I’m an Omar Uresti fan. Been following Omar ever since he played with those Wood Brothers clubs. Have to admit, though, I got interested in him because when I saw his bag with Wood Brothers on it, I thought he was sponsored by the racing team. You know, the one that Cale Yarborough used to drive for."

Ralph from Raeford:

Ralph, what are you looking forward to most at the Open?

"Getting away from that dang turkey smell and all those white feathers."

So, who are you planning on following?

"Arnie Schwartz."

Gee, Ralph, I don’t recognize that name. Are you sure he’s qualified?

"Oh, ol’ Arnie isn’t playing. Not golf anyway. I’m a private eye and his wife has hired me to follow him and that young blonde he’s sporting around these days."

Actually, there will be some real golf fans at the Open. Some of them will even see someone hit a golf ball. The rest will have a great time telling their stuck-at-home friends what a blast they had in the Megaelectronicfiberwholesaleandtruckingcompany corporate tent.