Hey, what is this, the Paradise Classic?
I know it’s not the U.S. Open.

I don’t care what those signs leading you from Maxton to Pinehurst say. There’s no way the USGA is involved in a tournament where the players are coming off the course smiling after practice rounds.

You don’t praise USGA layouts. You cuss them. You bitch and moan and sigh and throw up your hands in disgust. Then you head for the trainer’s trailer and get your wrists taped before tackling that waist-high rough again.

I mean, this is ridiculous. Players come off USGA-prepared courses muttering to themselves, not singing praises to anyone who will listen. You might think, what with this being only the second Open played in the South, that the heat might be causing some mental distress. You know, like a slight case of derangement here and there.

But that can’t be. Heck, the sun hasn’t been seen in two days. Rumor is it’s been so cool out there on Pinehurst No. 2 that a couple of migrating penguins made a pit stop. Are you kidding me? Eighty degrees in Pinehurst in the middle of June? Are we hallucinating? Where is that 98-degree stuff that was blistering us a week ago?

Kevin Drum, executive director of the Sandhills Golf Association, stood just inside the media interview center on Wednesday and mused about the phenomenon of the Happy Open.

"The most overriding difference that I’ve noticed here and at other Opens," he said, "is that nobody’s whining."

He was right. The only complaint I’ve heard in the month that I’ve been here since Sunday was that the course might be playing a little too easy.

Too easy? A U.S. Open course? What’s next? Is the USGA going to hand out Popsicles on the first tee? Are we going to have an U.S. Open where 20-under-par comes in third?

OK, just kidding. You know the USGA better than that. You get the suspicion there’s something up the sleeves of those blue blazers. The only question is, will it come on Thursday or Friday, or will the really mean stuff surface on the weekend?

Trey Holland, chairman of the USGA Champion-ship Committee, is giving away no secrets.

"This year’s championship presents an entirely different appearance than a traditional U.S. Open setup," he said. "Obviously, the main reason for that is the course architecture that we have here."

Oh. So Donald Ross is the man responsible for all these happy golfers.

"With the rough at three inches," Holland continued, "the players may be tempted to hit a long shot toward the green, and on that basis, they may have little or no control over the ball and where it ends up is going to be anybody’s guess."

Uh-oh. Here we go with that diabolical stuff again. The USGA strikes again.

"We think that’s going to result in a very exciting championship," Holland said, "something the players haven’t experienced with a U.S. Open setup in years."

Heh-heh-heh.

Nick Price played a practice round on No. 2 a couple of weeks ago and was excited to find that the course might actually favor his lower approach shots by affording a runway to the greens. He wasn’t nearly as optimistic after an early-morning round on Wednesday that was played during a light rain. But he does have an opinion as why the course isn’t being reviled by the players.

"I think the setup reflects the new blood in the USGA," he said. "Their decisions don’t seem to be based as much on emotion now as sensitivity."

Maybe. But don’t count on it, Nick.

"We’ll find ourselves going back to similar, if not identical style, when we go back to golf courses that lend themselves to that," Holland said. "Our focus will continue to be trying to put on the supreme test for the United States Open Championship."

Come Sunday, if the sun does decide to come back out and bake these Donald Ross muffin greens, we may even get a few gripes from some of the players. Especially when one of those air-mailed iron shots from the short rough ends up in dire circumstances.