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Once again the graduation season has come upon us, and once more nobody bothered to invite yours truly to be their spring graduation speaker.

For what it's worth, my best hopes for scoring big in the graduation speaking derby were pinned solidly on either Cousin Enid's Home School of Cosmetology in Vass or Stan's Sandhills Spot Welding Academy. But neither came through when it counted, so you know who got left sucking wind while the likes of Paris Hilton, Bono and Oprah's boyfriend all got invited to scatter pearls of wisdom before the graduates of America's leading institutions.

Frankly, it boggles the imagination. I had five pages of inspiring clichÈs ready to go, but the call never came.

So instead, last Saturday afternoon -- Graduation Weekend across the Fruited Plain -- I found myself making a quick unplanned road trip home to Maine, owing to domestic teenager affairs and a homesick dog, missed a turn and wound up tooling along the busy New Jersey Turnpike, listening on the radio to Sen. John McCain give the commencement address to the graduating class at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University.

McCain's message to the religious conservatives who basically torpedoed his presidential ambitions six years ago was both gracious and lofty -- it's OK to disagree with each other on issues as long as we realize there's far more that unites us than divides us as a democratic people.

Whatever you think of McCain's motives, you've got to give the guy style points for venturing where he wasn't wanted and taking the high road in reminding his former political adversaries that tolerance is an important Christian virtue.

For what it's worth, I have a similar uneasy relationship with the automotive maniacs who drive the New Jersey Turnpike, a place I enjoy about as much as a nice stick in the eye or surprise audit from the IRS.

So I used the occasion of driving that loony highway last Saturday afternoon, here on the eve of the summer's first big motoring holiday, to address my former adversaries and offer a few thoughts as they speed along the busy Turnpike of life. A complete transcript of my address follows.

My fellow New Jersey Turnpike travelers:

What a great and most unexpected honor it is that I find myself being here among you today, doing fifteen miles over the posted speed limit and dangerously tailgated by a 9,000-pound tractor trailer loaded with nuclear waste.

As we proceed together along this insanely congested byway, I'm reminded of a great man who observed at a key moment in the life of the nation, "Life is short. Better plan your route wisely and learn how to appreciate the journey as you go. Please stay in your lane and don't forget to use your blinker. Remember, we're open late!"

What truly excellent words for these troubled times -- as relative today as when Howard Johnson first said them at the National Association of Motel Owners back in 1958.

In the brief time we have together before you exit, I'd like to share a few more thoughts and friendly pointers from one who has taken his share of wrong roads in life. Feel free to take notes. But do keep both hands on the wheel at all times.

To begin with, remember that the way we choose to treat each other is not only a measure of our national character but reveals much about our tolerance for others with differing opinions.

Never laugh at somebody's bumper sticker views as you pass them, even if it says "Gore in '08" or "If You Can Read This You're Not My President."

Just remember, someone is always watching to see what you say or do. It could either be a small and impressionable child in search of an inspiring role model, a lost soul trying to find the way home, or maybe just the New Jersey State Police looking for an escaped felon. In either case, what you do or say at any given moment could well shape the direction of a life and will probably be used against you in a court of law.

Never judge a man or woman simply by the car or van he or she drives. This is automotive profiling of the worst kind. The truth is, some of us are lucky Lexus owners while others can barely afford to keep a simple anonymous late-model white panel van with suspicious tags safely on the road.

Pay attention to the road ahead. Forget the past. To begin with, you can't do anything about it -- including that shapely blonde who looked like Carmella Soprano and smiled provocatively at you across three lanes of traffic two exits back.

Traffic Jams

Never look back with anger or regret, only gratitude for what you've learned thus far on the journey. Flirting in cars can have serious social consequences. You could wind up with cement loafers in the Jersey City canal or stuck for half the afternoon in the monster traffic jam you caused when you smiled back and rammed that busload of senior citizens heading to Saddle Ridge to look at Dick Nixon's retirement office.

Traffic jams happen, by the way. They're simply nature's way of saying, "Next Memorial Day, hon, let's stay home and cookout."

One last safety tip, ladies: Never, ever apply makeup while operating an automobile at high speeds. This goes for you, too, guys. Exploring the inner frontiers of your nose or plucking your eyebrows at 75 mph is simply not intelligent behavior. Neither is checking your Blackberry or laptop for broker alerts. Besides, your eyeliner is bound to smear if you rear-end somebody at 60 mph.

And while you're at it, hang up that cell phone and pay attention to the glorious world around you. Crank down the window and feel the rush of the wind through your hair. Crank up the radio and sing along with your favorite song. If someone thinks you're crazy, well, maybe you are -- for not taking a safer alternate route.

Don't Take It Personally

Never forget that driving a car is a serious social responsibility. We each have an obligation to encourage others to get ahead, even if it means having to swerve over to the breakdown lanes so some Cheeseball in a BMW can rocket past you doing 90 mph.

If you're smart, you won't be in such a hellfire rush to get wherever you're going anyway. Newark can wait. Have you seen it lately?

Besides, our so-called mobile society is moving much too rapidly these days, losing track of what's really important. So slow down and enjoy the ride, friends. The precious gas you save will benefit all Americans. The precious life you save may benefit me.

In fact, take periodic breaks from the road simply to gain some useful perspective. The Woodrow Wilson Rest Stop is just ahead on the right. Why not pull over and stretch your legs, have a cup of Joe, share a friendly word with the terrified tourist family of four from Ohio or the tattooed biker gang members from Hoboken.

Learn to forgive the indiscretions of your neighbors behind the wheel. If someone rudely cuts you off and sends you careening into the guard rail, try not to take it so personally. Please remember we're a nation founded on the princple of equal opportunity for all citizens. Personally, I'd use the opportunity to phone the dude's tags in to the proper authorities.

Take pleasure in the road of life's small things. Like the sight of a Hummer limo filled with screaming kids on a birthday outing to the state penitentiary, a farm truck loaded with cantaloupes poking along in the passing lane at 20 mph or a cheeseball in a BMW getting a speeding ticket on the shoulder of the highway.

Remember there are no accidents in life, except for the estimated six million car crashes that occur annually on our nation's overcrowded highways, and that everything happens for a reason. I can't tell you what that reason is, graduates -- except possibly that more of us should try to stay off the roads.

Be nice to surly toll collectors. Remember they're human, too, even if they don't really seem like it at the time.

Finally, in closing, keep in mind that we're all lonesome travelers on the turnpike of life, just ordinary folks passing through New Jersey to a better world.

Be sure to offer a friendly wave as you exit. Small gestures mean a lot. Preferably the kind involving all five fingers.

Award-winning author Jim Dodson is a writer-in-residence for The Pilot. He can be reached at jasdodson@earthlink.net.