A director’s cut is a version of a film that comes out when (a) the director has gained enough clout since the film’s original release that he can put back all the scenes the studio made him take out because they made the film too long, too gory, or too weird; or (b) the studio is shamelessly milking a movie for every dollar they can wring out of it.
Sometimes the director’s cut makes a better movie, as in the case of “Blade Runner,” director Ridley Scott’s darkly beautiful merging of science fiction and film noir. Other times, as with the director’s cut of Scott’s sci-fi war movie “Aliens,” you can see why the stuff was cut in the first place (and you wish most of it still was). Invariably, however, a director’s cut is longer than the original theatrical version.
Unless you’re Mel Gibson.
Mel recently released his controversial and hugely successful film “The Passion of the Christ” in a director’s cut that’s six minutes shorter than the theatrical version.
When it was first released, Gibson’s intense and bloody retelling of Christ’s final hours drew criticism as well as big crowds. Some felt the film’s portrayal of the people that gave Jesus over to the Romans might foster anti-Semitism. (Frankly, it looked to me like the Romans didn’t come off all that well, either, but you don’t see the Italians complaining).
But even some fans of the movie found themselves squirming a little uncomfortably at its unflinching depiction of exactly what it looks like when a man is lashed with a steel-spiked whip, then nailed to a piece of wood and hung up to die. So Mel cut some of the more, shall we say, graphic moments.
Quoth Mel: “Some of you actually said that you wish you could have taken your Aunt Martha, Uncle Harry or your grandmother or some of your older kids, and you thought that perhaps the intensity of the film was prohibitive to those people. So I listened to that and it inspired me to recut the film to cater to those people that perhaps might not have seen it because of its intensity or brutality.”
Call it “The Passion Lite.” Unfortunately, it still got an “R.”
Mel’s innovation, however, set me to thinking. Why not more director’s cuts that are shorter? For that matter, why not take a page from the Reader’s Digest folks (so to speak) and release condensed versions of movies? I think it would be just the thing for someone who likes movies, but doesn’t have a lot of time to watch.
How about a condensed version of “Citizen Kane:”
“Rose…bud…”
“What the heck did that mean? Go find out, will ya?”
“It was his sled.”
“Wow.”
And let’s face it, “Gone With the Wind” could use a little editing:
“Gee, Scarlett, you’re sure pretty.”
“Fiddle-Dee-Dee!”
“BOOM!”
“Thank God that war is over. I love you, Scarlett.”
“I love you, too, Rhett, but I’m going to spend the whole movie chasing after this wimpy guy.”
“See ya.”
“Dang. Well, I’ll get over it.”
On a more modern note, here’s the condensed version of the original “Alien:”
“Hey, what are these egg-like things?”
“MGMPH!”
“Dude, what’s that thing stuck to your face? ... Oh, never mind. It’s gone now.”
SPLORT!
“Euuuw, Gross!”
CHOMP!
“Run!”
CHOMP!
BOOM!
“Glad that’s over. Think I’ll sleep for the next 60 years.”
While it seems like something close to sacrilege to cut a classic like “The Godfather,” you have to admit, it is a pretty long movie that can be reduced to a few essentials:
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“I’ve decided I don’t want to be a gangster. I want to marry Diane Keaton instead.”
BANG!
“They shot Dad!”
“OK, I’ll be a gangster, then. But I still want to marry Diane Keaton.”
Hey, maybe it seems like a crazy idea. But in today’s hurry up world of fast food and instant messages, can flash films be far behind?
Dusty Rhoades lives and practices law in Carthage. He loves movies where things go BANG, SPLORT, and BOOM.
