If you sense there’s something wrong with the above quote, well, you’ll want to read on; it’s time for the spring update on language irritants.
My colleagues in the English Department have a truckload of these wonderful bloopers from spring semester. Here are a few of my favorites.
A student in Argument-Based Research wrote that “John Steinbeck was awarded the Puelite Surprise,” instead of the Pulitzer Prize.
Another composition student noted that her friend had “no self of steam.” Bless her heart.
And my (most) favorite blooper from the semester reveals that “strict teachers do not like abstinence,” which is no doubt the truth.
Lordy, a spell checker in the wrong hands is a dangerous thing!
I can’t help but believe that many students aspire to the example set by the president of the United States, who said recently, “The march to war hurt the economy. Laura reminded me a while ago that remember what was on the TV screens — she calls me, ‘George W.’ — ‘George W.’ I call her, ‘First Lady.’ No, anyway — she said, we said, march to war on our TV screen.”
Which was just a warmup for his May 27 comments, “I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You’re doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That’s where you started practicing? That’s good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Zippidydoda.
This season’s most popular political expressions seem to be “Let’s make sure we’re on the same page” and, of course, the tried and true “liberal.”
The “same page” remark means “Are we talking about the same thing?” which doesn’t sound reassuring enough coming from a wily politician. As regards the use of “liberal,” the word long ago lost all meaning, although I’m sure a few of our regular letter writers will enlighten me.
When “liberal” is used by “the vast rightwing conspiracy” — and snarled as it often is on hate radio — the word is an obscenity or, at the very least, an insult.
Urbandictionary.com offers this clever definition for liberal: “A person who was raised in a family where the female was the dominant figure. Male liberals are usually slight in stature, wear beards and walk behind their female partners or dominant male partner, if gay…. Female liberals are usually short, fat, and wear stupid hats with slogans on them…. In the end, having achieved nothing and while aborting all their children, they die lonely, never really extinguishing the fire of anguish and the intolerable resentment that has lived inside them.”
Charles Krouse sent along a list his language irritants:
“‘Decimated,’ as in ‘The rabbits decimated my garden.’ They ate one-tenth of it, I guess.
“‘The U.S. is light-years ahead of Afghanistan.’ A light-year is a measure of distance, not time — about 26 trillion miles of distance, actually.
“‘We have many viable alternatives’ is a favorite of minor bureaucrats. My older dictionary says ‘viable’ means ‘able to live’ (outside the womb), but the newer one also says it can mean ‘workable,’ so that isn’t incorrect — I just don’t like it. But isn’t that how language changes? Enough bureaucrats misused the word until the meaning changed to reflect common usage.
“‘He literally exploded when his wife returned from shopping.’ No, he didn’t. Or, maybe he did. Eew, that would be messy.
“‘I made a concerted effort to quit smoking.’ You can’t act in concert by yourself.
“‘Draconian’ isn’t a bad word, just awfully pretentious.
“Speaking of politics, I recall the 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago, when anti-war demonstrations turned ugly. Defending the cops, Daley said, ‘The police were not there to create disorder; the police were there to preserve disorder.’ Mayor Daley was famous for his malapropisms.”
Good ones! Thanks Charles.
If you’re being driven crazy by a few persistent language irritants, send them along. We’ll excrete them on the community in a late summer column.
Stephen Smith can be reached at travisses@hotmail.com.
