So just for the heck of it, I decided to review a couple of diet books. Amazingly, amazon.com has 326 pages on diet books with titles like "The Phoenix's Guide To Self Renewal, A Daily Food Diary and Exercise Journal to Guide, Motivate and Inspire You on Your Weight Loss Journey" and "The Thin Book: Daily Strategies & Mediations for Fat-Free, Guilt Free, Binge-Free Living." I perused 10 of the books and discovered there's a formula. What the author has to do is spout some phony philosophical mumbo jumbo, mix in a little pseudo-scientific gibberish, send it to a publisher or slap it on the Internet, and voila! he or she is a diet expert.
Hey, I thought, I can do that! To wit:
Joyous news! Corpulent International is proud to introduce the All-American-Gummy-Bear-Vitamin-Enriched-Milkshake Diet, a painless, no-stress, no-exercise, self-indulgent, easy-to-stick-to, hedonistic diet that really, really absolutely, totally works. Maybe.
No more mystery pills to buy over the Internet. No more $49.95, 350-page diet books stuffed with recipes you wouldn't inflict on a flaccid rhinoceros. Just sensible, healthy weight loss that's bound to lengthen and enhance your life.
The All-American-Gummy-Bear-Vitamin-Enriched-Milkshake Diet is based on a sound philosophical principle known among academics as the Tew Axiom.
When Elwood Tew was a college freshman, he spent all his time studying. He studied all day every day and all night every night, and he flunked — flat-out frogged! — every test he took. Elwood was seriously depressed. And who wouldn't be? All those hours, all that effort. Then Elwood hit upon a solution. He simply quit studying. Sure, he went right on failing, but what the heck? In one fell swoop he managed to eliminate anger and guilt, the primary American emotions, from his life. After adopting the Tew Axiom, Elwood Tew was a happy guy.
In layman's terms, the Tew Axiom states — no pain, no strain, no gain, no blame. In other words, if this diet doesn't work, so what?
Now the scientific stuff. My diet is based on the Elevator Enigma. Here's how it works. Suppose you get on an elevator on the 101st floor. No sooner do the stainless steel doors swish shut than you hear the main cable snap and the elevator begins plummeting earthward. There's only one thing you can do — jump up and down like crazy and hope that when the elevator slams into terra firma, you're up in the air, safe and sound. The Elevator Enigma states that for you to consider adopting this diet, you have to be incredibly stupid.
Okay, enough philosophy, enough science. The diet is called the All-American-Gummy-Bear-Vitamin-Enriched-Milkshake Diet. And all you have to do is drink three milkshakes a day. I'm not talking about small, medium, or large milkshakes. And I'm sure as heck not talking about those milkshake diet mixes. That stuff doesn't work. No, I'm talking about the super-colossal, quadruple-thick 442 oz. rocky-road, chocolate-chip mocha-infused shakes smothered with two pounds of whipped cream with 12 red-dye #5 maraschino cherries plopped right on top. I'm talking the whole hog, milkshake wise. One for breakfast, one for lunch, one for supper.
I'll bet you're asking: Won't I get tired of milkshakes? Sure you will, but that's where the gummy bears come in. Between meals you can stuff your face with all the gummy bears you want. Everybody loves gummy bears. They're a no-fat quick-sugar pick-me-up, and they're the only squishy, FDA-approved candy known to gratify primate oral fixation.
And then, of course, I've included a crucial nutritional building block — a Flintstone vitamin a day. Slip a Barney Rubble or a Bamm-Bamm in with your gummy bears and you'll never know you're consuming a yucky dietary supplement. In a day or two, you'll be bouncing off the walls and yelling, "Yabba dabba do!"
A word of caution: you're not likely to notice any immediate weight loss when you're on the All-American-Gummy-Bear-Vitamin-Enriched-Milkshake Diet, but one morning you'll wake up pounds lighter. You'll be amazed by your success. I gaurandamnteeya!
