Then, following the 2000 Census, we were treated to a rash of articles on the decline of marriage in general –– now at its lowest rate since the Great Depression. “60 Minutes,” Time magazine and “The View” have informed us that more and more women are postponing marriage until they have established a career, relying, rightly or wrongly, on modern science to extend their childbearing years as well. Between 1970 and 2000, the median age at first marriage for women increased by 4.3 years. For men the increase was 3.6 years.
Those numbers translate into a lot of unmarried people out there in their 20s and 30s. Between 1980 and 1997, the number of married adults in the United States fell from 66 percent to 59 percent, with 35 percent of adults age 25 to 34 having never been married. The proportion of households consisting of one person living alone rose from 17 percent in 1970 to 26 percent in 2000.
“Bridget Jones” and “The Bachelor” aside, more and more people are opting for the single life or cohabitating.
Which leave me with this question: If marriage is on the outs everywhere except reality TV shows, why are gay people clamoring for it? Don’t they have enough problems?
I’m joking, of course. First, I don’t think marriage is headed for extinction: 80 to 90 percent of Americans will get married at some point during their lifetimes. Many are waiting until they are older, many will marry several times. But that just goes to show how fundamental the desire is to pair off with someone, to find a partner, to share a life. However fragile the institution may appear, the right to its social and legal status seems pretty basic.
Why do gay people want to get married? For the same reasons anyone else would. Love and companionship, surely. The desire for a public union, celebrated with family and friends. The seriousness of the promise, however difficult to maintain, of a steadfast and stable relationship. For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer.
There are financial reasons that make marriage more attractive than cohabitation. Unmarried partners, gay and straight, have been asking for spousal benefits that flow from the workplace and the government for some time now. But straight couples have the option of marriage by which to share these benefits. Gay couples do not. It may seem unromantic to want to get married in order to share health insurance or retirement benefits, but keeping the historical perspective of marriage as an arrangement for the distribution of wealth and property in mind, the desire to share one’s earnings with one’s partner seems reasonable.
Another historical reason for marriage, of course, is procreation. Surprise, surprise: Many gay couples are interested in marriage for this reason as well. They wish to raise families. Children in these families would obviously come from adoption, prior marriages or artificial means of insemination, as do the children of many straight couples. It’s a difficult subject, and there are those with strong objections to homosexuals raising children. But the fact is, there are plenty of homosexuals raising kids right now. Some would like to do it within the framework of marriage.
Now imagine this situation: The person you love most in the world has been rushed to the hospital and you are trying to reach his or her bedside, to be informed and consulted on care and treatment. Married people have those rights of access. Unmarried people can try and plan for them with powers of attorney and declarations of partnership, but in an emergency situation, being someone’s husband or wife gains you immediate access. It is a valid reason to want to be married to the person you love.
In trying to answer the reasons that gay people want to get married, I have to note that simply being accepted as a couple is probably one of the most powerful –– and least likely to be granted –– motivations behind gay marriage. Obviously, religious denominations are free to make rules concerning marriage in accordance with their beliefs. But civil unions are another matter. (Atheists marry.) Those who believe homosexuality to be morally wrong will be opposed to any gay rights, including marriage. Even folks who don’t mind others being gay might not want to see changes in the definition of marriage.
But hearing that plea for the right to wed, I can’t help thinking about why I wanted to get married, and what it has meant to me. How basic a right is it, to want to be legally, socially and soulfully joined to another? Making the commitment of marriage adds something that simply cannot be found in co-habitation –– I didn’t used to believe that, but it’s true. I think the fact that lots of people keep trying to get it right means that they believe it, too.
If the desire to marry is so fundamental that most of us will take the plunge at least once in our lifetime, it seems to me that everyone should have the right to take that chance at happiness –– 50-50 odds and all.
Lynn Rhoades lives in Carthage. Contact her via e-mail at lrhoades@nc.rr.com
