If ever a year deserved to go into hiding, it's this one.
They should've known it was a joke The Beijing Evening News fell for a story in the mock newspaper The Onion that Congress was threatening to move to Charlotte or Memphis if it wasn't given a replacement for the "inadequate and obsolete" Capitol.
Big mouth of the year: U.S. Rep. Cass Ballenger apologized and painted his lawn jockey white after saying that listening to Rep. Cynthia McKinney might stir in him "a little bit of a segregationist feeling....I mean, she was such a bitch."
Bad mouth of the year: Tosh Welch e-mailed a warning to Miss North Carolina officials about former girlfriend Rebekah Revels: "Would you want to be represented by someone with a past? Nude pics of Miss America bring in big bucks nowadays."
Poor mouth of the year: Corruption-engulfed Agriculture Commissioner Meg Scott Phipps called on state fair-goers to "Pray for good weather because if it rains, someone will probably blame me for that, too."
Understatement of the year: More than 400 customers were mistakenly declared dead, tying up their Social Security benefits, after Central Carolina Bank acquired their accounts from First Union. "We have had some bumps in the transfer," a bank spokesman acknowledged.
Understatement of the year (runner-up): To warn drivers about a 15-foot sinkhole outside Concord, the N.C. DOT put up a sign that read "Broken pavement."
By golly, THIS year they won't get us mixed up with Charlottesville! To simulate peak demand on its sewer and water system, Lowe's Motor Speedway invited fans to participate in a simultaneous "Great Speedway Toilet Flush."
You remember that old fad of college students squeezing into phone booths? Well.... UNC Charlotte ranked next to last in the 16-college system with 68 square feet of academic space per student, compared with a system average of 120 square feet.
Would you want your sister to marry a legislator? Struggling for the appropriate condemnation of video poker, Marc Basnight, president pro tem of the N.C. Senate, called it "a scrooge on our environment."
Lamest excuse of the year: After an e-mail reassuring volunteers that National Rifle Association members "cover neighborhoods that might be uncomfortable for some volunteers," Robin Hayes' campaign manager insisted that traffic, not crime, was the concern. "I could understand, going back and reading it, that it could have been worded better," he said.
Lamest excuse of the year (runner-up): Explaining why Central Piedmont Community College had blow-torched an inconveniently located 15-ton steel sculpture rather than offer it to a museum, an administrator said, "We didn't want to give someone else what had become our problem."
It could've been worse it could've been on a wall at Central Piedmont Community College: Parts of Ben Long's 1989 fresco fell from the altar wall of St. Peter Catholic Church.
It could've been worse it could've been stored at Central Piedmont: More than $500,000 worth of scenery, props and mechanical equipment for an upcoming Opera Carolina production was accidentally destroyed when the Crescent Resources building where they were stored was demolished.
C'mon and baaaah a quart of Valvoline? Dale Earnhardt fans flocked to see Lil' Dale, a goat in Interlachen, Fla., born with a white "3" on her side. Breeder Jerry Pierson saw obvious commercial potential: "All you have to do is put an oil can in front of her and it'll sell."
Kumbaya, my Lord, kumba you're not singing, Mr. Rhodes! John Rhodes of Cornelius, successful candidate for the N.C. House, said, "It doesn't need a bunch of pansy legislators to go up there and say, Let's all be friends. We need to whip some Democrat fannies."
Sore loser of the year: Detroit columnist Mitch Albom, reacting to the Lions' loss to the Panthers and their journeyman quarterback: "Rodney Peete beat them? Oh, please. Whip us. Chain us. Drop us in mozzarella cheese and cover us in pepperonis. But don't torture us this way: Rodney Peete beat the Lions? Lord, hath thou no mercy? Is this funny to you?"
Sore winner of the year: After winning a playoff game at the Charlotte Coliseum, Tracy McGrady of the Orlando Magic kissed Charlotte goodbye: "We're ready to come home from this boring [expletive] place with nothing to do."
Wretched excess of the year: Chancellor James Moeser approved a $400,000 severance allowance for UNC Chapel Hill's departing lawyer.
Retched excess of the year: The N.C. Supreme Court cracked down on lawyers who make over-the-top closing arguments to juries. Among them: "It's vomit. It's vomit on the law of North Carolina for this man to try to use self-defense...."
They love us, they love us not. They love us, they....
"This team belongs to the fans of Charlotte." George Shinn, Charlotte, May 2001.
"If you want me to come back to Charlotte, you can kiss my grits." George Shinn, New Orleans, January 2002.
"I paid for the team, but it belongs to you." Bob Johnson, Charlotte, December 2002.
Overreacher of the year: Lobbyist "Brother Joe" McClees billed the N.C. Technological Development Authority for nearly $200,000 over three years, ranging from $1,200 for a limousine and driver while attending President Bush's inauguration to $350 for a month's worth of dry cleaning to $1,335 for corn meal.
Overreacher of the year (runner-up): A man angry about a story printed three years ago rammed his pickup truck into the lobby of the Kernersville News. "He had no remorse at all," said a police officer. "He said, "Justice has been done.' "
Underreacher of the year: On "Nobody Night" the Charleston RiverDogs baseball team set a record for lowest paid attendance zero by holding a party in the parking lot and not letting fans into the stadium until the sixth inning.
Most imaginative approach to providing personal service to constituents: Charlotte City Council member Joe White, impatient with questions about personal use of airport parking passes, said, "If this is such a big deal to the taxpayers, then I'll give them the card and they can put it where the sun doesn't shine."
Worst new flavor of the year: A Chapel Hill man pleaded guilty to making a false anthrax threat to a restaurant in Springfield, Mass., where he had been fired: "Did you have any salad tonight? If I were you I'd start taking Cipro."
With friends like these.... The Erskine Bowles campaign returned a $500 donation from Jane Fonda. "This contribution was not solicited," a spokeswoman hastened to note.
Would you want your sister to marry a legislator? The N.C. General Assembly adjourned after its longest-ever two-year session.
Lew Powell is a columnist for The Charlotte Observer.
